Falling In Love

There are people who fall in love easily, intensely, and repeatedly, some even claim that they cannot live without love. There are others who have never been in love and are convinced that all the stories about great intensity of romantic love are either a vast exaggeration or straight out lies.

Why is it that some people can find love and be easily in a romantic relationship, whilst others want desperately to have a thoroughly intimate relationship but fail? And why even others do avoid intimate relationships altogether?

There is no one answer to these questions however one theory, the attachment theory created by psychoanalyst John Bowlby (1988) and psychologist Mary Ainsworth's (1982), has become a well-accepted answer to questions about why people are - or are not - successful in love.

According to Bowlby, a person’s love life is influenced by relationship experiences one is exposed to as a child. Attachment is the first stable love relationship that the baby develops, and the nature of that attachment is determined by the relationship the baby has with her primary caregiver, most often the mother. A child emotionally suffers when consistent attachment to her mother is not established, is discontinued or is unstable. These childhood relationships provide a framework in which individuals create an image of self and others.  Therefore, these early experiences with attachment (or lack thereof) become a part of the child’s overall nature, and they become the working model the child uses to interpret romantic relationships as an adult.  

Bowlby's attachment theory proposes that:

1)    Childhood experiences create working models adults use to handle romantic relationships.

2)    The adopted working models adults use in relationships help determine their perception of deserving love, and whether others can be trusted to provide love and support

3)    These models also influenced the types of interactions individuals have with others and their interpretations of these interactions

Bowlby’s Four attachment styles:

1.    Secure - It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depends on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me.

2.    Fearful Avoidant - I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to depend on others or to trust them completely. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become emotionally too close to others.

3.    Preoccupied – I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without a close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them

4.    Dismissing Avoidant - I am uncomfortable with close relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have them depend on me.

Healthy adult relationships include:

1.         Satisfying relationships with both men and women

2.         Resilient self-esteem

3.         Happier and calmer emotional life

4.         Capacity for real intimacy and authentic autonomy

Unhealthy adult relationships involve:

1.         Constant anxiety

2.         Crippled self-esteem

3.         Depression

4.         Disruption in family relationships

5.         Futility in the workplace

6.         Obsessive thoughts

7.         Constant need for reassurance

8.         Undermined romantic Intimacy

Although people can do little about the love they did or did not receive as children, adults can choose to be more conscious of their attachment styles and how these styles affect their intimate relationships. Just ask yourself these questions about you and your relationships:

1.    Are you comfortable in your own skin when connected in relationship as well as when alone? (Secure)

2.    Is it easier for you to think than to feel emotionally? (Fearful Avoidant)

3.    Are you always longing or yearning for something or someone? Is it difficult for you to be alone? (Preoccupied)

4.    Do you act like you don’t need reassurance or encouragement? When you give more than you get do you resent this and harbor a grudge? (Dismissing Avoidant)

If your love life has not been satisfactory, you can try to take responsibility for it by shifting the beam of awareness to your cell. The way to do this is by trying to figure out why you respond the way you do to people in general and the candidates for a romantic relationship. If you cannot figure this out on your own, you might want to consider getting professional help. Even if awareness does not necessarily imply an immediate life change, it is an important first step in the right direction.