Healing Your Relationship After an Affair
Infidelity can rattle even the most solid of couples. If you were the one who was unfaithful, you may have been preoccupied with concerns about the relationship, even before the affair. If your partner cheated on you, you might feel shocked or betrayed, and doubt whether you will ever be able to see your partner the same way again.
The good news is that it is still possible to have a healthy relationship after an affair. As Dr. Margaret Rutherford has said "If couples didn't make it through affairs, the divorce rate would be even higher than it is now." It takes work to regain your partner's trust after violating their boundaries, but an affair does not need to be a death sentence for your relationship. Here are some of the most important steps you can take to heal your relationship after an affair.
CAN YOU FIX YOUR RELATIONSHIP AFTER AN AFFAIR?
You might be wondering if it is worth it, or even possible, to rebuild your relationship after an affair. When one or both partners cheat, it can sometimes feel like too much damage has been done to recover from the aftermath of this infidelity.
There are a few key points to consider if you're thinking about staying together after infidelity, namely…
Do both of you want to stay together? Both partners need to be invested for the relationship to work. You cannot "fix" a partner who does not want to stay with you.
Are you both willing to do the work? Affairs do not happen suddenly; they are the culmination of ongoing issues in the relationship. Both of you must be willing to make significant changes in order to make the relationship work.
Is there a strong foundation? When mutual love, trust, and respect does not exist in a relationship, you cannot gain it back. You cannot recover something that was never there.
If the answer to all three of these questions is "yes," it is more likely that your relationship will be able to move on from infidelity. If not, you may want to reexamine whether or not it is worth saving the relationship, or whether you would be better off working on yourself instead.
How to Heal Your Relationship After an Affair
If you and your partner are both committed to fixing the relationship, it is possible to heal from an affair. However, you should know that you still have a long journey ahead of you. Both partners will need to put in a significant amount of work in order to heal.
Infidelity is a form of interpersonal trauma. Particularly for the partner who was cheated on, it may be intensely difficult to trust others, or even the world, after the affair. The victim may also blame themselves for the affair, getting stuck in a cycle of negative self-image.
Without addressing this trauma within the context of the relationship, a couple cannot heal from an affair. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman has developed a three-part method called the Trust Revival Method for helping couples overcome affairs. The steps in the Trust Revival method are as follows:
Atone. The partner who was unfaithful must express remorse for their actions and apologize. They must be fully honest about the affair, disclosing even the most painful information their partner may not know yet, and cease all contact with their lover.
Attune. After both partners have forgiven each other, the couple commits to handling the conflict in a healthy way. They disclose the status of their relationship to those closest to them as a way of reaffirming their commitment to moving forward.
Attach. Ultimately, the relationship cannot heal without physical intimacy built on a meaningful emotional connection. The previous stages of Trust Revival focus on strengthening the emotional attachment, paving the way to a healthier sex life.
The Trust Revival Method works in many ways, but it also represents a gross oversimplification of the rollercoaster that is healing from infidelity. Both partners' emotions may fluctuate over the course of the process, and the couple's healing may not follow these stages in a linear fashion. Couples' therapy can help facilitate the healing process along every step of the way.
Want to fix your relationship after an affair?
If you or your partner were recently unfaithful, couples' therapy can help you determine whether the relationship can be salvaged and support you throughout all the stages of healing from infidelity.
Contact Working Through today to learn more about how we work with couples in the aftermath of an affair. You can also join our Facebook Group Couple’s Repair and Reset for tips and exercises.